HOW BIG DO OUR PICKUPS AND SUVs HAVE TO BE BEFORE WE REALIZE WE ARE RIDICULOUS?

Bigger and bigger SUVs, pickups are outgrowing home garages, public parking spaces — USA Today didn’t really need to tell us. We can look around and see it, especially here in the suburbs. Those glossy metal eyesores are everywhere.

How big is too big? Are we totally blind to seeing how ludicrous these monstrosities are?

They’re not just too big for their owner’s garages or parking, they’re too big for safety. Driving around in the neighborhoods in one of these metal steroid abominations you really can’t see a bicyclist, let alone some little kid on a scooter when they get up close. If you don’t notice the kid or the cyclist coming from behind you could easily think it’s safe to turn–and you could run them over. Seeing what you’re backing over is tough too. They’re hard to drive in traffic. They’re prone to taking up two parking spaces in a supermarket lot because, hey, they can, what are you going to do about it? Their wheels are patently absurd–often too big for already-too-big vehicles. Their environmental footprint? It’s gigantic, of course. Their mile per gallon gas mileage? Microscopic. The debt most owners incur when they insist on going into debt to buy one? Burdensome and eternal.

Some sneer that huge sports trucks and SUVs are a sign of a small penis, but more likely they’re a sign of small stature; not so much physical stature, as psychological. They are exoskeletons meant to hide the cringing shriveled selfhood of the driver; they’re camouflage for self loathing. They’re also an embodiment of bullying. They bully you by just being there, in your way like an iceberg in the sealane of your life. They are enormous metal cartoons shaped like trucks and SUVs.

Oh and they don’t fit in the garage, they’re hard to park, they don’t take a turn well, they’re unsafe, they’re ugly, and they’re a huge waste of money.